James 4:1-2: What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet, but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.
My church, New Life Christian Church, in Alexandria, Minnesota, hosts a ladies’ retreat every spring in April. We meet at an extraordinary camp facility right in our town on Lake Geneva – the Lake Geneva Christian Center. It is so convenient for the attendees to come and be a part of a great time together. We have great worship, wonderful speakers, life-changing fellowship, ideas exchanged, deep belly laughs, and food that is unbelievable. The committee members who plan and coordinate the event work all year for this time, and it truly touches women in their hearts and souls.
Christ is lifted up, and the Lord is honored during our sessions and in the fun times in between. We are all encouraged and inspired with time away from our regular responsibilities.
I have had the privilege to speak at the retreat on several occasions, and it is always an honor and very joyful for me. This year, one of our speakers was Tay Odor, the camp director at Pine Haven Christian Assembly on Long Lake near Park Rapids, Minnesota. Her message has been ringing in my ears!
She was funny and engaging, and had a distinct demeanor that made everyone know that what she said was valid. Her main message was: “It’s not what is coming at you, it’s what’s coming out of you.” She uses this approach to manage conflicts when her staff members are ever disgruntled with each other. Each person actually writes down the emotions they are feeling and acting on, then reads what they wrote to the other person. It dissuades the conflict every time she tells us.
Thank goodness that I took notes as she spoke, because I looked back at my notes several times within the next day to recall her exact words. It seems that I have to consider what is coming out of me on a regular basis! When I stopped and thought about how I was acting in each case, I realized I needed to be careful about what I said and did. It didn’t matter what the other person said or did; I had to consider my own actions.
Recently, I had an important meeting with a colleague, and I was anxious about how it would go. I was very disappointed with the direction we had taken after our last meeting, I prayed that the Lord would help us bring forth a supernatural solution. Striving for understanding and common ground with a full acknowledgment that my words would hold power for good or for destruction, I planned what I would say. Because I was respectful and encouraging, calm and positive, we developed a workable plan that I trust will bring glory to our Father in Heaven. (My colleague was also very willing to bend and seek consensus.)
When you are involved in a situation with disagreements with someone else, consider: What is coming out of me? Anger? Resentment? Jealousy? Fear of being taken advantage of? Bossiness? Superiority? Victimhood? Fear of abandonment or punishment? Contempt? Humbleness? Determination to win the argument at all costs?
Understanding your emotions will help with realizing your part in the conflict. As you have heard a million times, you can control yourself, and no one else!
We had a most excellent ladies’ retreat this year, and I will remember this message to align myself so that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control are coming out of me.
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